I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
