You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
