Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I will die if light touches me.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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