I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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