My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
