I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
