you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I love you. Go after that dick
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
