Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
