Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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