I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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