I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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