I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
