We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
