I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
