someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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