Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
