gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
