Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
