Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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