I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
