He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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