seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
