I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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