So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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