I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Two words: nipple clamps
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