I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
