i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
