if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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