I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
