hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
No subtext here. People are naked.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
