I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Randomize
