Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
