Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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