I never want to see another naked old woman again.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
