I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
