Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
