girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Never let your siblings swipe right.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
