I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
