dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
