How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
