I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
