Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
