Screwed.edu
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
