Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
