he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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