I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
4 words: hood of his car
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
