someone threw a dead crab at me
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
