did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
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I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
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Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
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