Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
