Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
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