mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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