I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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