my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
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I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
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Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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