When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
