either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
