I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
